Chapter 9 – Pain – The Other Side|2022

While I have lived many lifetimes with knee problems, it sucks, and I thought I was done with it in 2016. It just keeps getting worse as a reoccurring payment of pain.

It’s not that enough to be running low on money and not having a job, to not have anywhere to go to do anything, but then I have the looming specter of a potentially disastrous scenario.

It’s always looming. More pain, please. Just never-ending pain. More and more and more pain. Fuck!

As you can imagine, it profoundly impacts your life when you are not mobile. For example, I can’t exercise because of the pressure it puts on them, and living in a two-story house that has been trying to deal with my knee pain.

That pisses me off even more.

What do I need to do to get back on track? Why does it seem like I’m getting shit on at every turn?

I was chatting with an old friend the other night, and we were talking about the world’s current condition, but ostensibly is going to happen in the event of one person versus another.

And I reminded them that a fixed extended or extensive lockdown of 4 to 6 weeks would be the end for me.

I wouldn’t be able to survive it, and there’s nobody who’s going to be able to. So more jobs are lost if we have an imposed lockdown, and I don’t see my recovery ability.

I’m going to be a statistic, and while that is very scary and surreal, I’ve been preparing myself for this for a very long time.

I have repeatedly articulated that to several intricately involved people in my life. But, in contrast, I don’t always expect people to understand my feelings or decisions.

I hope that those close to me can see a consistent behavior of open and honest conversations while preparing people for the future.

I am talking about specific topics that are taboo or difficult, things that come from the darkness, and the pain it brings. The pain
calls it.

Like asking them if they voted for this person or believe in this social construct issue. No, not Apple shit; this is talking about death, the people around you who do not want you to die per see.

I think it isn’t effortless. It’s a difficult conversation for people to have, and it takes an influential person to be able to be open and honest about it.

It takes a particular type of makeup not only to disseminate the information but also to receive it.

I know that if I had a friend who expressed to me that they were suffering through an extended bout of depression, I would reach my hand up to them. But, the last thing I want is to be saying again… Something I said in the past…

To Quote Redemption, Sapphire:

I feel like I’m drowning
And everywhere I turn, the water’s deeper

And that’s what it feels like. And it’s nobody’s fault, but it’s entirely my own. I had made this mess based on my decisions throughout my life, and I only met. So I own my own shit.

If I were to fail, it would be my fault. I cannot blame anybody for myself. This is my pain; this is the pain that brings on the darkness.

That’s Something that people can learn a lot from, and I wish there were a teaching seminar class about owning your own shit that was a part of our high school education curriculum.

How amazing would it be to have come out of high school, whether you went to college or not, and known that whatever problems you have are yours, and if you let other people make your problems worse, you need to fix that?

My problems right now are my doing, and I own that. PROC LIVE is just a symptom of a systemic collapse of ethics and morality cascading into the crevices like an oil spill; it just coats everything.

It destroys and suffocates everything in its path. For example, look at some of the old environmental videos of the Exxon Valdes and when that ran ashore.

Sorry, that was a little bit of the sidebar. PROC.LIVE is the bringer of doom. They are the evil that you can’t believe exists, except you know it exists because of the structure of our society.

How people are not as well-regarded as they should be in the name of the Almighty Dollar.

Companies don’t care about you; they don’t give a shit about you. not only that, but they were terrible people. Not evil on their own, but just wrong. And when you put a grouping of solid influence or high-powered bad people together, that is where evil comes from

I wish that I cared. I wish I gave a shit about anything other than the boys , , and and myself, kind of.

Throughout all of my writings, I have mentioned how important they are to me, how important my boys are, and that I did not exist for a long time without them.

And when I say things like that to my friends, they either tell me that they don’t want to talk about it or stop talking about it because it’s upsetting.

But the reality is that if you care, I do not have a problem or issue or concern or lack of anything or nothing negative to say about my friends when you’re not happy about it.

Not everybody can have profound and dark conversations with another person, whether exposing themselves or listening to somebody’s pain.

You have to care about discussing yourself in a very raw, open, honest, and caring manner. You have to be able to talk about pain cogently.

Having a conversation is very important, and I think it’s Something that has gotten lost along the way. I learned a couple of outstanding human lessons between 2015 and 2018.

Both lessons were around not caring about what people thought about you and owning up to the mistakes you had made, committing, and being willing to have a conversation about either or both.

There is not much somebody will say to me that has not been said before or that would be not very kind. I live a libertarian philosophical lifestyle.

The general rule to this philosophy, which I believe I covered earlier, is I don’t care what the flock you are doing so long as it doesn’t impact me and doesn’t affect children, the elderly, or animals, and it is within the purview of the law.

It’s a great release, I’m not a Karen, and I don’t have to worry about that because I don’t care. I will follow the rules, and unless somebody else doesn’t, I don’t care unless it hits one of those last categories; I don’t care.

Maybe I have shed myself of responsibility by turning myself into some apathetic permit. But ultimately, I do not feel that that’s the actual case, but there is some merit in the idea.

I pride myself on having a conversation with people, not getting roiled up, and telling him to stick his head in a bucket of water and take a deep breath. But unfortunately, I’m not that person, and I have never been that person for the most part.

And I’m thankful for that because of how much easier it is to make my life.

I think people can learn a lot from philosophical change where you stop being so obsessive-compulsive or outright hateful to what other people are doing and focus more on positively releasing yourself from being bound to societal norms that suggest that if you vote R or if you vote D then your perspectives of society are entirely different and therefore none congruent.

The overall failure to have an adult conversation with another human and not be capable of handling yourself calmly and rationally is an incredible failure of our cultural institutions that preach that there is no longer that ability between humans.

I find it hard to believe. I find it morally reprehensible that we would promote a cultural standard of tribal partizanship, knowing what that does to the overall collective psyche.

A culture that can’t communicate is destined and bound to fail. This is because there is no reasonable way in which you should know what somebody else is doing if they don’t tell you.

This is especially true with turn signals. I’ll leave the rest of that pain in the ass shit for another day.

The point of the writing today is that I worry about myself but have complete confidence that I can execute my directives if necessary.

And I know that I will have planned not only legally but socially in the event of anything going wrong, like the darkness overcoming all of the pain.

To back read,
Chapter 0 – Lost
Chapter 1 – Backstory
Chapter 2 – Hope With a Side of Fear
Chapter 3 – Fear Without Hope
Chapter 4 – Fear with Darkness
Chapter 5 – Darkness and Hope – From The Powerful Mind of Alphonso Mango |2022
Chapter 6 – Release – From The Powerful Mind of Alphonso Mango |2022
Chapter 7 – Faith & Darkness – From The Powerful Mind of Alphonso Mango |2022
Chapter 8 – Pain & Power – From The Powerful Mind of Alphonso Mango |2022