The fucking pain doesn’t stop and I still have two more stops on the pain train, one of which that is so unbelievable, you know what it’s like. Except I have to do it alone. Alone, again.
It’s probably why I “allegedly” drink so much. Allegedly, it’s to stop the pain that will not go away. That’s why I was “allegedly” doing other harmful things, top stop a pain that will not go away.
I have tried to plug this dyke with my own excessive pain, to the tune of 300+ hours of tattoo work. That kind of pain, it’s rather cathartic. It releases so many endorphins. Mmmmm…
If I left this to my brain, I would not, nay could not, function at all. I do not know how I can continue existing, the proverbial downward spiral. We, we all…
We all suffer from our demons, our transgressions. We deal with our shit or try to. And we deal with them in a variety of manners, or so we tell ourselves. We do our best, or least worst.
I know you know. You are literally the only one who does. The pain you have suffered, not measurable. Like myself, I have tried to cover my pain. To quote Redemption’s “Release”:
Cause they can’t rape the willing
Or take what you have if there’s nothing else
Tired of life and filled with despair
And covered with blood from the crosses I bear
But I’m still standing
It’s why I don’t want to exist, yet I continue to for the sake of the boys. They are all that matter to me. If not for them, I’d have already circled the drain of this downward spiral.
That’s not a call out, a cry out for help or support. I know who I am, I know where I stand. I know my true strength, it’s measured in ink and the pain that comes with that.
And yet, I am trapped in a cascading downward spiral that knows no bounds, has no bottom and has no measurables. My existence is trapped in a black hole, nothing escapes its pull.
My great friend, the RevCRD, would tell me every day, BETEO!
I can only be so excellent to myself, as you can. I just get to do it alone, well alone with a couple of kitties. They are what ultimately counter the beginning of this downward spiral.
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