No Winners Only Losers |2021

“I fight this war inside my head where there are no winners only losers” —antidote, originals series, 9.15.7. There is a special perspective that I will explain here.

For as long as I can recall, I’ve been a dark personality type. Dark thinking, dark writing, dark joking. Always a little bit of too much of it and not enough make everyone happy type of bullshit. Sigh.

Some of this, perhaps a lot of it, comes from a recent post where I referenced something Reverend CD said to me. Over here in Blind Faith & Trust.

What has gotten me thinking is how even someone so close to me could see this as being too far out there, well that made me stop and it made me take a step back to reevaluate. That’s where Blind Faith & Trust comes in.

I struggle to find happiness, and that’s why the post was titled “Infinite Sadness”. And because I know that fight this war inside my head (where there are no winners, only losers), I wanted to publish lit bits of it before I deleted it outright.

I’ve talked about Anna very extensively, as she’s my girl. I realize that she’s not a she, but a manifestation of my psyche to find something to take me out of this shit show life I am living, without taking myself out.

Now, what does talking about “I fight this war inside my head where there are no winners, only losers” mean, or what is the bloody context as we stand here now? Is it the same? No, probably not. But then again, what is.

The real crux to this is as such: When you argue with another person, you will almost certainly not change their mind about whatever the topic is. Yup, all ya gotta do is think about that one for a second. As a rule of thumb.

The problem is that most people do not think and they say shit that they shouldn’t say or don’t mean on the basis of emotions. Emotions are great, but unequally applied is a recipe for disaster.

I’ve borne witness to this level of craziness many a time. In fact, that craziness is what created the statement “no winners only losers”. Without crazy, there are no “no winners only losers”.

Immediately after speaking, the song pounding in my head, I could hear Peter’s voice singing and everything was serene and happy, for once, albeit for a second.

Now, I’m going to pull back for a second and denote some topics that will serve as excellent parameters to this issue.

• 1. Politics!
  2. Religion!
  3. Abortion!
  4. Money!

And now GO!

The issue is easy to see and understand when it’s on paper, but not in the realities of the world. Emotion. Passion. The stupidity of extreme proportions. Stupidity in extreme proportions.

I have this problem where I simultaneously don’t give a shit and also get nervous about that. What I’ve been noticing is that certain people can pry away my armor-plated skin and therefore causing me distress.

Much like talking to Anna, all I could hear was them echoing “no winners only losers” over and over in my mind, like a fucking clickity-clack of a train… the other light at the end of the tunnel.

A level of distress that I do not want, nor do not need. And by that I mean they’re typically in a position of authority and are hassles.

But as I noted, for the most part, I really don’t give a shit. I’d like to stress that part. Again. People can say what they want, think what they want, I don’t care we are all humans as far as I know and we all have our flaws.

Said person was concerned for me and about my own personal health whereas I have excepted it. I have excepted the fact that I will never be happy and, I’ve noted it in this blog dozens of times.

I don’t have road rage because I don’t give a fuck! I’m a human and therefore I make mistakes. We’re all the other jackasses on the road. I’m trying to articulate the concepts perhaps.

The thing is, when you deal with a variety of health issues, you get accustomed to the various sacrifices you have to make in your mind in order to achieve the end goal. That is much more fluid than a list of A/B/C.

I want to believe that I will one day be happy, but there is no realistic expectation of that happening. No, that’s a pipe dream, for me. I want others around me to achieve that, even if I can not.

And that is about as much as you’re gonna fucking get out of me and my Infinite Sadness. Now go read some of my other shit. I must have one or two posts that have substance.

“Now you want some understanding, what’s my point of view? Then I’ll just fade away suffering from the times you spoke” — Nick Holmes & Gregor Mackintosh