shortcomings

I was told tonight, though not the first time, I’m a horrible person and even worse, a horrible friend. I’m self absorbed, self centered and cold hearted. I have no soul if you will.

I can’t argue with that. I know I am that way to people I haven’t been friends with for along periods of time. I like to think that anytime Aaron, Brad or Freezer has needed me, I’ve been there. Well, actually, the most recent case was last year when Brad broke up with his chick and called me at 2am (from Florida) and we talked for a few hours. I did my best to console him and support him.

BUT tonight, well, I didn’t do that when a friend was in need. I didn’t ask the right questions as to what the problem was, then was self centered in it being all about me. It usually is (in my mind). I went down to Mr. E’s shop tonight to get worked on. There was a odd sign in the window that he wasn’t there and I started to track him down. I called his wife, she didn’t know where he was. I checked all the local bars, walking up and down Scottsdale Rd. Nothing.

Eventually he turns up at the shop, 40 minutes late for our appointment. I was pissed off about it, and I still believe rightfully so. Lack of communication has often been Mr. E’s downfall and this is no exception. I was informed that as friend of his had passed away and I was still pissed off about the situation that I declined going drinking with him to just go home, I didn’t want to deal with more drama and bullshit.

Well this enraged Mr. E to the point of being nose to nose screaming at me about how horrible of a person I am, how I am empty inside and just a horrible friend, not being there when he needed me. Even more yelling from him occurred including the suggestion that he beat my ass, break my nose as well as put me in the hospital. Thankfully even as he yelled at me like a drill sergeant, I was able to remain calm because I realized what was at stake and what I had done.

It turn out that the gentleman who had passed away was a old friend of his who had tough him how to airbrush. Consider him his mentor. Well in 3 years of working with Mr. E, I’ve never heard the guys name. I called his wife afterwards and she had never met him (and they’ve been together 13 something years).

Back to the shop escapade … In the end, Mr. E kicked me out of his shop and I left without having raised my voice, talked back or given him a reason to whoop me. At this point I called his wife (as mentioned before) and let her know what had happened and somewhat of a forewarning …

As I was driving home I started to think about the events as they unfolded and wondered to myself if I had unconsciencely started with Mr. E to get him to unload some of his pent up anger over the situation and letting go of his feelings (rather then crying it out). I think I’m giving myself too much credit here but it remains a valid idea until …

Yeah, you guessed it … Until I realized that I am a shitty friend, at best a shitty friend. I’m self centered, self absorbed and generally cold emotionally. The sheer fact that someone that your friend cares about passes away and you make it all about yourself and you being inconvenienced is really shitty. But I also know I’m very cold and soulless. It’s a “feature” of my personality. Not a good one mind you.

I called the gal after this and told her what happened, I suppose to vent, but otherwise for her to tell me that I’m a douche and that I need to think long and hard on how I handle things. I agreed with her (and still do) …

I don’t know how to be a good friend …

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