In case you didn’t know, Anesthesia from Type O Negative is my favorite song. That includes EVERY Dream Theater song, EVER. It holds powerful meanings to me and in my life.
From drugs.com – What is anesthesia?
What does the above description of “Anesthesia” mean to me, to “kastle”?. I fucking feel like everything is a surgery now. I feel like parts of me are being destroyed, removed.
My whole life, my whole world, was destroyed to block the pain, to relieve myself from it. To make me comfortable, comfortable with this horrible shit. I don’t feel anything.
No way to prepare, impending despair
I live a life where I teeter between good and evil, between living and not living. I exist only for the boys, and sans them, I have nothing left. That is not defeatist, it’s reality.
I live with my issues, my conditions. Music exemplifies that. Music pacifies that. I am fighting the future, I am fighting the past. I can not win the present.
There is no way to rectify the three. There is no plausible conglomeration of all of that to make it work. Not now, not now at the very least. It’s like my other albatross.
Why am I writing about this again? Yet again? Why am I not writing about Sapphire? I suspect people are tired of her lol.
But seriously, I write about this because these are emotions that I have no outlet for, due to our shit show of a world in 2020. I know everyone else on this planet is dealing with a similar life.
I am so broken now, I dissolve into a mess of alcoholism, drug use, and substance abuse. I am trying to find a way to NOT FEEL ANYTHING! I don’t want to feel anything.
This world has broken me. My friends can’t help, though they try. My family can’t help, though they try. My doctors can’t help, even though I pay them. lol
All I see is the blackness. All I see is the darkness. It calls my name. I know that it will swallow me, take all that I am, all that I was, and all that I could be.
It’ll leave me with nothing. I have come to accept that. I understand that, and I am growing to accept my fate. Can we change things? I don’t know. I don’t expect myself to do so.
I wish I were saying something positive, happy, or perhaps healthy. I can’t. It’s not the reality of where we are, where I am. I know this will swallow me whole, devour my soul.
Punishment/Contrapasso:
I presume that I’ll be going to the seventh level, not without the strength to pull myself out. And yet, I can’t. I’m in quicksand. I am trapped in ice. I am paralyzed and dying.
This isn’t a plea, a cry, or a hope for help. Only you can help yourself, and right now, I can not do any of that. For my many hundreds of hours of pain I have inflicted on myself, I can’t.
I can’t help myself out of this. I can not forget that which is to come over the month. I can not make it hurt me less. I can not make it stop hurting. I can not stop this pain.
I can’t translate this only to music. This song is all that is TON; it is what invigorates me. It’s a story that makes sense to me as everything falls apart.
Falling apart has this feeling, as you slowly pass out from the anesthesia, slowly pulling apart the fabric of time and your soul. I don’t feel anything.
Nothing eases my mind like listening to this song. It’s like deja vu most of the time. I feel so cold and broken, and yet this brings solace and pacifies my mind.
And that brings me to some important notes:
I have a series of dates, three (3) in fact, in my life coming up between December 26th through January 4th. Each presents its own level of emotions and pain that beat and batter me like a ship in a heavy storm.
I hope I can pass them, so that I can last. I do not think that I can. No matter how strong I think I am, no matter how strong my friends think I am, I am hopeless in this storm.
I have nothing, no one. I just have my all-important boys. They provide my existence with reason, now.
Musically, harmonically, melodically, and lyrically. All of them have their checkmarks straight on hitting it, perhaps killing it. It is the “Why of kastle”, my essence.
I’m sure we’ll see more of this type of content over the next few weeks. I’m not going anywhere, at least until the 4th.
I don’t feel, I don’t feel anything, anything, anything”¦ I don’t feel anything!
Check out the YouTube video for Type O Negative – Anesthesia [Live Wacken 2007].
Like a flash of light in an endless night
Life is trapped between two black entities
“˜Cause when you trust someone, illusion has begun
No way to prepare, impending despair
Did one say so cruel Tis better to love than lose
Ignorance is bliss wish not knew your kiss
So many times been burned, this lesson goes unlearned
Remember desire only fuels the fire liar
Betwixed birth and death, every breath regret
I pity the living, envy for the dead
Emotionally stunned, in defense, I’m numb
I’d rather not care than to be aware, be scared
I don’t need love
Are a thousand tears worth a single smile?
When you give an inch, will they take a mile?
Longing for the past but dreading the future
If not being used, well then you’re a user and a loser
World renowned failure at both death and life
Given nothingness, purgatory blight
To run and hide, a cowardly procedure
Options exhausted, except for anesthesia.
I don’t feel anything
I don’t need anything
I don’t need love
Type O Negative Anesthesia
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