I’ve been thinking about how I use my blog. It’s mainly for me to convey a message of how I feel or the things that are important to me in a overall bigger picture sense.

As of this post, I have 1,143 posts on this site with roughly the only things being of importance were related to Brandy Rai.

My first post was May 14th 2006 and it was my rules bitch, my rules. As with most everything I’ve written since, it’s been a thought set that I collected over time but that was accentuated with an evening out.

And evening out. Here we are some 11.5 years later and I still have a certain level of disdain for people. In this case, it’s not at a club but at dinner (nice swanky place).

The environment was great, the food was fantastic, the service was a little flamboyant. But I have nothing but anxiety over it, having already past, to try to deal with the outcome/aftermath of the night.

Nothing bad happened. I took a Lyft to/fro the restaurant. I didn’t get tanked and tell someone to “Suck My Balls!”. I guess nothing bad doesn’t contain disappointment.

Why disappointment? I think the person who I invited to goto dinner with me, who apparently didn’t think I was serious -or isn’t interested- was absent. That’s disappointing when you are the one buying.

And regardless of me being a ass most of the time, turning down dinner at Ruths Chris Steakhouse seems a little lacking in foresight to me.

Even in asking this person I had to fight through massive amounts of anxiety. I didn’t necessarily think they’d show up, but I held out hope that I would be dining with them and potentially starting off on a good note.

Alas, I knew I had to go in the off chance this person was intelligent enough to take from the gift horse. I know, that was dumb of me. But I still went to dinner with the hopes that the outcome would be changed by sheer luck.

I consider myself a catch. Sometimes I doubt it as I’ve been single for so long, but that falls into the anxiety world (Social and General) for me.

I make sufficient money. I have three wonderful kitties. I have a nice home, nice car … oh, and a lot of connected tattoos. What’s not to love?

Back on topic, the lesson for me is that even when I know the outcome, that shouldn’t always change the action as the action is expected to have a desirable outcome. Regardless of the missing company I would have a good time. And I did.

I had wanted to bail out and not go, but who would that make me if I didn’t go and she did? Would my word no longer matter to me? Would that mean nothing to people around me?

Questioning yourself can be unhealthy and healthy, existing at the same time. Kindness to your soul is the key, where you can both be good to it and question it at the same time.

Not being able to see the future is a good thing. If you knew, you wouldn’t be able to change the outcome. It doesn’t work that way. The future isn’t written until you know the outcome, and being able to do that, why not win the Powerball 100x in a row?

But back on this thought, I decided to take a chance on a risky emotional endeavor. I gambled and lost. I will learn a positive lesson from this and grow. Because normally the emotional response would be to go back to my cave and hide.

Not only is that not healthy, it gets me nowhere. And while I like existing in nowhere space, you can’t find happiness to share with another if you are hiding about in a cave.

Moral to the story is that I’m writing this, and not letting it sit more in my head.