Positively ridiculous LOVE explained (kinda)| 2020

“You can’t love someone else till you love yourself… so told me, my ex-wife.” That was while we were dating, not even married yet. And marriage did not change that aspect of me.

I’ve always presumed that was an effort to turn my affections from the most excellent Maine Coon Brandy Rai, to be all for herself.

Even today, 15+ years later, I don’t consider that to have been selfish. And that’s likely why things never worked out with my ex-wife. This is why things never worked out with anyone that I’ve dated.

I don’t blame my ex-wife. It’s not really that selfish desire on her part. My ex-wife is an amazing woman and a very good friend. I believe that my ex-wife has known love, maybe even with me.

I like to joke with her, albeit the truth… She is the only woman I proposed to. She is the only woman I married. And she is the only woman I was divorced from. How about that trifecta?

I have never loved anyone more than myself, aside from my boys. How do you rationalize that? How do you grasp that as a concept? Guess what? It leads directly to nowhere.

To quote my most favorite Type O Negative song, Anesthesia, “I don’t feel love”. At least not from another human. Or maybe I don’t recognize it, or even comprehend it. That’s not too far off I presume.

She said to me, “What do YOU know about love?”, as she walked out the door!

I’ve always loved my pets, as viewable with the most excellent Brandy Rai. I loved Monster (Ragdoll meowing pain in my ass whom I love even still) and I loved my Sho Rai more then there are words said in history.

He is the ultimate in kitty soulmates. I didn’t think I’d ever have a Sho Rai after Brandy Rai.

It took years, and years before I admitted to either of them how amazing they were. I remember sitting on the couch with him on my lap, my legs vibrating from his ridiculously loud purring, and I said to Sho Rai:

“Don’t tell Brandy Rai, but you are the greatest Maine Coon I have ever met!”

And now, Brandy Rai and Sho Rai sit next to one another, with Monster and my fathers ashes (one day I’ll go into that). They are homies, my boys that I miss and love. My father is another story.

I know I loved Sho Rai more then anything, aside myself (sometimes).

I know that I have loved enough people that have been in my life (past) and those that are now in my life. They all know this to be the truth. All three of them.

I stand here in the kitchen, one of my favorite spots, with a Truffle against my feet. My now 16yo tuxedo style penguin kitty. Sho Rai passed on a Friday night (1/4/19) and two days later, on that Sunday night, Truffle (furthermore referred to as penguin) was up on my lap. I didn’t ask, but he wanted up.

And every night since then, Truffle has wanted to be up on my lap. How lucky I am to have him? How lucky am I to have had such amazing kitties? I love them all, I love them more than words. They were and are everything to me.

As we stand right now, I have Takao Konishi. He’s a Ragdoll, dork ass Ragdoll. And his giant brother Shiro. That’s for another day.

He is the end of everything and the reason for nothing. What an amazing little man, the things I’ve had to go through with him from a veterinary standpoint, and what I’d do for him as I have done for all my other boys.

And maybe that’s the only level of love I will ever feel, that I’ll ever find. Only time will tell. How the eff would I know? How does anyone know? I can ask these questions until I go insane, and maybe that is what love is. Or isn’t.

I think a lot of those words said to me by my ex-wife, while we were together and a number of times after our divorce. It’s only in the last few years that I’ve gotten a stronger grip on what it means and how it applies to me.